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Love Story #1165
love hurts, when its clouded by lies
by Golden
Well, lets see, yes has in the words of Drew Barrymore in Never Been Kissed, to write well you must write about what you know, well this is what I know.
IM 35 years old, a mother of 3, an ex visiter of her Majesty's Prison's. Where I spent a year and a half of doing bed and breakfast, and wondering if id ever feel normal again. After prison there was normal again, the kids, the life i had before i went to prison, my friends, my real friends, because when you go to prison you find out what real friends are and mean, so normal again, but i always felt has if something was missing, just didn't know what, i was content with life, but just something wasn't there, i didn't know what it was and I wasn't looking to find out what it could be either, I was just OK with things in life has they where. I liked playing PC games a lot in the evening's, and i loved messing around on the computer, then i decided id like to get a modem put in, go on the net, the price was really good, this AOL deal seemed great, so there i am getting this mate to fit me a cheap modem, and then IM loading this America Online disc in my CD ROM drive, and there ya go, IM up and running on the net, having no idea what anything is for, i do what most first do i just mess around, and go on voyage of discovery, then you get more adapt at the whole net thing, and go off exploring new things, and you find AOL chat, there are all these rooms with names and stuff, and categories, which to pick? OH what the hell, romance category, home alone, flirts nook, i went into flirts nook first AOL chat room i ever went in, it was a real eye opener that's for sure, there where 23 people in this room all talking on my screen, advertising each other and even advertising porn sites, then ping i get this little screen flash up in front of me, other wise known has an instant message IM for short, with a/s/l typed in it, id seen it being typed in the main chat room, but didn't know what it meant, so i asked thinking if i don't ask ill be ignoring a lot of people, well it means age sex location, so i was Okies, i said 35 female England, i got Okies bye, i thought great its all about age, so next time i got an IM and was asked the same thing, i said 25 female England, i got a hi back to that, followed by do you have a PIC to trade, which i didn't have, so i got another bye then, so i then decide, id best get a PIC on the com, well at this point a friend of mine, says if ya gonna put a PIC on here and send it might has well make it a good PIC, you know looks 25 with all the trimmings, its not like we are ever going to meet any of these people, so no harm done, so we choose a PIC of a very pretty friend all the men went for her, so once we scanned of a load of her PICS we was set, or so we thought, but once you had sent the PIC, then came the sexual questions, like what you wearing, are you alone, what do you like to do for fun, are you feeling horny, we played around with these men, my friend and i, it was funny, plus you could say what the hell you liked and not have to worry about it, it was great, plus one hell of an ego booster, because even though most found the picture stimulating, and wanted you to talk dirty to them, you did get the others who really wanted to talk to you, get to know a bit about you, well those where the nice ones, i talked to one often and i still talk to him now, then i got bored with it and didn't come on to often, but my freind did she would mess around for hours, she even had a story for me Goldenmusk, has i was known in the chat rooms, it being my screen name or sn if you like for AOL, anyway, i was bored one night and went romance and choose mil lovers main room, i sat in this room and watched all these people talking has if they really knew one another, has if they just lived near each other, people shouting out sn names has they entered the room, how they where asking stuff like how are ya kids, how is ya hubby, then you had people in there, that where advertising and making fun of one another, but if anyone new came into the room and started to bad mouth anyone, then the room would close ranks, like a family does when protecting its own kind, but its was also a hard room, if you did something it deemed has wrong then it would cut you dead, but then again it could be a room full of compassion for human flaws, i liked watching this room, i wasn't apart off it, but i wanted to be, and i don't know why. maybe because id always wanted to be accepted by people. I dunno, but id be in the room a lot and when i wasn't sat reading this room then my friend would be, after awhile you really felt like you knew some of these people, they just weren't screen names anymore, honestly some of these people where so funny, id sit here and laugh for real, well the persona for gold had been set, she was 25 pretty, no kids and no man, a nurse, and i was English with a good sense of fun and a good wit, this person i was being was both me and not me, talk about weird, she was all me when i was 25, and it wasn't that hard to do because ive not changed that much, cep grow older and have 3 kids now, the only thing not goldenmusk was the PIC and the person who is now 35 and has 3 kids, but all the passion and the love for other people, the wanting to listen to others was all me, all the stories i told about me, where about me, like getting stuck in a tree, getting drunk and doing silly things, i did share part of the real me with these people, and some i wanted so much to know the truth, but how can you just say one day hey by the way, that's not me this is and by the way i got 3 kids to, it would of been liking slapping these people in the face for the trust they had in you, but it wasn't meant to be like this, hell its just a com right? none of this is important, you aren't going to meet any of these people, although ya friend has told half of them you are both going to America the following year, dingbat she is, so why did it feel so wrong, but it did feel wrong, very wrong, but i convinced myself, that has long has i stayed close to the truth has i could without having to tell the whole truth, it wasn't that bad, it eased my conscious some what, so that would i told myself. This room was great, i didn't go in for the gold you are cute, cause i knew it wasn't me they thought was cute but a friend, then i see this sn in the room, id seen it before, he was one of the room REGS, has they where called, apart of the in crowd in the room, he was funny, didn't run with the norm of the room he was different, for one he was funny has hell, id never laugh so much has when he was in the room, but he could also make you has mad has hell, but i liked him best cause he would type random stuff which made no sense what so ever sometimes, i also got to know some great woman in this room, talking to them was like awesome, it was like having loads of mums and sisters, we got to know each others online and off lines pretty well, i remember the night Tricia1160 typed in the mil room, anyone got a Mike for voice chat, i was like way cool, Tricia, i do i typed, and so did my funny sn from the room the guy who could make me laugh, well, i remember the first voice chat i ever heard, i heard him for the first time, he had the most evil laugh which made you want to laugh to, and he of course had an accent, which was in his word he liked to use hubba hubba, yes it sure was hubba hubba.
Yes, hubba hubba, two words I now adore, they also make me smile, because of the feeling and emotion in the voice that issued those two little words, well that was my first voice chat, and I had many to follow, ive spoken to some great people on this thing called AOL. I don't know how or why, but suddenly i was talking to this incredible guy all the time, it started of has just long IMs, two people finding each other funny, but people who i thought communicated well together, i felt so comfy talking to this guy, who was in respect nothing more then a stranger really, but he wasn't a stranger, he was just like me in some things, like what was missing in his life which made him want to spend all his time talking to me, and i knew what it was, it was the same feeling i had, it was this wonderful place where we filled each others dreams, where we typed what was inside our hearts and soul, it wasn't i love you all the time, it was two people trying to share a life through a computer, now i know you are asking your self how on earth can you have a life through a computer, well tell me if this sounds like a life to you, its just one with out psychical touch, so if you take away the physical you are left with this, words and voice, words that are typed straight from the heart, words spoken in voice, like the sound of laughter, and of hurt, the sound of pure emotion. We would play online games together, and voice chat at the same time, we would laugh together, we would fall asleep while on voice chat, i always wonder now if i ever really snored, or if he was just pulling my collective leg, we also did some crazy stuff on the phone to, like truth or dare, and i don't know how but he always got me to do better then what i made him do, and i always seemed to have friends round to, which made it worse because, besides thinking i was crazy myself they would sure now think i was certifiable for the nearest nut house, ive had to get on all fours and howl like lassie has one of my dares, in another i phoned state side, and had to sing this sexy song, i wanna lick you up and down till you say stop cause tonight i want to get freaky with you, i did it good to i think, there where other times where we shared deep stuff like feelings and emotions on stuff in life that has happened to us, like past relationships, and of our parents and our family's, and what we dreamed the future would be, or what our expectations where, the subjects we covered and the silly fun we had, well all i can say it was WOW, it was better then any friend i ever had, just not fearing anything, except the truth about me, because i don't know why but i didn't want to lose this man, i couldn't lose him, id never felt half the emotions this guy stirred within me, in all my sad life, i felt alive and vibrant for the first time in my life, like someone had come along and blew the clouds of a dreamless sleep way from me, i never wanted the feeling to end, but also knowing in my heart id have to tell him the truth, but it was always not to day, if i can make him love me enough, to feel like i felt, then nothing would really matter except the need to spend time and be with this person who makes me feel so alive, that you never want to sleep again less you miss a moment, i often wonder if he thinks of me now, or of how we made one another feel, i know my looks let him down, he said that looks where the first point of attraction in any relationship, i don't agree with this maybe you do? he also said trust to, that i destroyed his trust in women, but i think it was because i shattered his illusion of the dream id created, so where his words of love real? i heard the love in his voice when we would speak, can you disguise that emotion? i know what i did was wrong and i know i cant make any of it right, but ive been punished in the worst way ever imaginable, IM living a life of tomorrow is another day, then another day after that, then a month then another month then a year will pass, and ill still be waiting for night, when i can climb into bed and dream, because in my dreams i can be where i want to be with him, i can be the pretty faced girl he loved, i can see and make him laugh, i can feel the softness of his skin and the warmth from his body, has he cradles me within his arms, in my dreams with him i can live, i can be free to smile and to feel so good inside that every second of everyday you feel like sunshine has just touched and warmed you heart with the sweetest hello, i so look forward to the darkness of the night, and i wonder why didn't you love me enough to forgive me, because even through i know i hurt you, all i ever wanted to do was love you and be loved by you, is that such an awful unforgivable crime, i think it must of been, because all i will ever have is the dream, the cruel dream, but the dream that keeps me alive, to live another day just so i can dream again, so is AOL heaven or hell, because i still sign on each day, with what hope, no the hope has gone, but something still makes me sign on each day, maybe its like visiting a grave, a way for me to see what ive made myself into, and i don't like what ive become, but ill not change now, i cant, its just to late for me, i just pray when God comes to take me, he will still allow me to keep my dreams.
Notes From The Author:
You may e-mail me with any comments about my story.
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