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Love Story #1899
My Leading Man
by Kaitlyn
It was 17 years ago. I was playing a lead role in a play, or wanting to, and I met my “leading” man. He was handsome, shy and seemed to be very sensitive.
I liked these qualities. Unfortunately, I had a boyfriend. Not just any boyfriend, but a “Man” boyfriend. He was 21 I was only 16. He was possessive and jealous and hated that I wanted to be an actress, but he loved me. So he said.
This other man was a dream to me. I kind of knew that he liked me, but he was younger than I was. He was always so nice and sweet to me. I will never forget looking into his eyes for the first time. Beautiful, expressive eyes. They have stayed in my mind all these years.
The end of the play came and we had been getting closer and closer to eachother. There was a connection. We were just too young. We were not experienced in life.
We had finally realized we really liked eachother and had a connection right before I found out I was pregnant. Yes, a statistic. That was me. So by then, it was too late. That one thing in my life was going to determine all decisions I would ever make again. So I had to let him go. The baby’s father was a good man and I did love him, and I knew he would take care of the baby and of me…in his own way. But his way was moving me 2000 miles away from home. I would have to give up my entire life.
My friends would be gone, my family would be gone my dreams would be forever changed.
I knew that, but what choice did I have? At 18 you don’t always think about your true choices, only the ones that make the best sense at the time.
So I moved and I put myself 100% into my life. I had more children and got a job and worked to support my family and to be a good wife to my husband. Through all those years, my husband was still a good man, but he was also a very severe alcoholic. I told myself after the first 5 years that once he felt secure in his marriage and family he would change. Then I told myself the same thing after 10 years and again and again----- I was wrong.
After 16 years, one day I came into work and I had an email message from the boy I once knew. It was my “leading” man. His email was so sweet and as soon as I saw his name pop up on the screen I felt my heart begin to race. I thought I was being silly. I was just having a crisis in my life. These emotions couldn’t be real.
We communicate via email and phone for several months. I even mustered up the courage to call him. I was still married and had 4 children and yet, I couldn’t again let go completely of this connection. During the time of our phone conversations, my husband had been sober. Then one day, about a month after my “leading” man contacted me, my husband went on another drinking binge and this time almost killed himself in an accident. I’d had enough. In my heart, I felt like I was through for the last time. I just didn’t want to deal with this disease anymore.
One time, long ago, someone loved me for the person I was. He didn’t want me to change for him, he didn’t want me to dress a certain way or to control me. He wanted ME. My husband wanted what I COULD be. I was old before my time because I had to be. But I never really had any fun and I had never really made my own decisions based on what I wanted.
I love my children fiercely and I love my husband, too. I guess that in my heart I always will. But that final incident broke a trust that I’m not sure can ever be repaired. The love had to be re evaluated. It had to be put in a different place in my heart….a place where it wouldn’t hurt so much.
Shortly after the accident I planned a short trip to see my family and friends. What I wanted most was to see my “leading” man to see if the feelings were of the past……I wanted to know if I was just hoping for a piece of my youth. I expected that that’s what it was all about…..I didn’t expect to feel how I did.
On a very warm summer day I met him again. We never ran out of things to say. It was hard to keep our eyes off eachother. We both knew that I was not available and that I had 4 children, but we also both felt that same connection. It was just the same as it had been 16 years before except this time we were adults.
We had lived life somewhat and saw the world. We didn’t really know how to react to it all.
We spent 3 days together and it was the best weekend of my life. We talked and talked and laughed and had fun and just enjoyed being around eachother. I can’t remember ever feeling like that…and doubt I will again.
When I went home, my husband had gone back to the drinking again. After I got off the plane he asked me to give him another chance to change. I felt guilty about the weekend, guilty about my children and I didn’t want to be responsible for him doing something to hurt himself and then my children not having a dad.
He asked me to check him into a rehabilitation center….that was a HUGE step. The next day I checked him in. It’s been almost a year now and he’s still sober. He’s taking more responsibility around the house and with the kids. He’s not telling me what to do or who to be or what to wear. He’s supporting me as I further my education.
I know that all these things are very wonderful things, and to some extent I have been able to see the person I once fell so deeply in love with, but now, I have the memories and wonderment of my “leading” man. That has made getting back into my life so difficult. I love them both. They do different things to my life.
I want happiness in my life someday, but for now, my children’s happiness is much more important. I wish that I could reach out to all of those girls who want to be teenage mothers and let them see the harsh realities of life. I wish I could just tell them, and make them listen. Life is too short to start it so sadly--so soon…You have 40 years to have children….You only get 25 to be young—if that. I only had 17 years of youth and now I will have the next 60 to be grown up and there is NOT much fun in that!
Once there is a child, you will never be number one again….and if you are…..you aren’t a very good mother to that child.
I had a love once and I still talk to him all of the time, but I think we both know that for happiness to find us again….together……it’s going to take an act of God and some sacrifices………….and if that’s not meant to happen, then we can at least be friends and support for eachother for the rest of our lives…..or longer! That makes me smile.
Notes From The Author:
You may e-mail me with any comments about my story.
To JP.
Always....K
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