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Love Story #4035
im getting married, he said
by maden
I’m getting married.”
That was the news he’d been telling me would make me happy after losing contacts for four months. At first, I thought it was just a fib. This guy’s probably joking me, I mused. But his eyes were telling me to believe him. That was then I prayed hard to be numb to anesthetize the enormous pain I’m experiencing even just for the moment so that I can have enough strength to finish the conversation with him. I know the pain would still go on for an unknown duration.
“That’s great, I’m happy for you”, I said with a concomitant smile.
Silence inundated the moment for I don’t know how long. But it was like the longest minute of my life and everything has suddenly stopped.
“Her name is Anne, I met her last December.”
“Oh, I’m so happy for you”, I reiterated.
Okay, keep telling yourself that, maybe it would conceal the pain. I’m always good at sweeping my feelings under the rug and pretending that I’m okay even if I’m not.
I’m so happy for you. Bullshit! Who am I convincing anyway, he or myself? How can I be happy if the person I love, my best friend, my everything, my life, and my reason would get married with a girl named Anne? Who is she?
It was like a bombshell dropped on my head. I know I could have prevented this thing to happen if I had only accepted his proposal to me. But I didn’t. I shrugged him off. I wasn’t ready then. Now, my heart is wailing for letting go the first man I love, the man who taught me how to love.
“ When are you planning to tie the knot?” I asked hoping that it would still be in some distant future.
“This September”, he replied.
No, it can’t be. That’s insane. That’s six months from now. How could he marry a girl whom he barely knew? Maybe there’s something wrong. No… the girl can’t possibly be pregnant. How could he? Maybe the girl forced him. I have to face this issue squarely.
“This September, why are you so in a hurry?” I asked with a pasted-on smile trying to be as calm as possible.
“I’m not in a hurry, we both wanted to get married. I love her”, he replied.
As he was telling me the most painful words I couldn’t bear to hear, I managed to look at him straight in the eyes because somehow I wanted to assure myself that he’s really happy with his decision. I wanted him to be happy even if it meant sorrow for me. Love endures all things. If you really love someone, you will not look for your own interest but rather for the other person’s.
I didn’t see the excitement in his eyes… he was fidgety. Having known him for three years, I understand what was wrong. But I also understand that I can never change this whole thing.
“Of course… of course”, I retorted stoically.
You love each other. Fine. How about me? You told me you love me too. No… that you love me so much. That I’m the girl you wanted to spend the rest of your life with. That you’ll wait for me. That you can’t let me go. How about me?
Again, silence succumbed the conversation. It’s the most dreaded silence I’ve ever been to. All I can hear was my wrecked heart beating for his love and his heart beating for another girl’s love. At that instant I wanted to get out of his car and run as fast as I can, hide in a place where nobody can see me and give myself a good cry. But I know I can’t, I’m a coward.
“So, can you make it at my wedding”, he asked.
“Yeah, of course. I can’t afford to miss ‘my best friend’s wedding’. I said reluctantly.
“I’m glad, I’ll see you then. The invitation would come next”.
“Okay”, I replied. “Uh by the way, can you take me at my apartment now? I still have exams and I need to get on my notes and textbooks.”
“Okay”, he said.
Okay. It’s not okay, okay.
When we reached the apartment, I simply smiled and bade goodbye before I get out of the car. After he left, I broke down ‘til I can’t cry any harder. My world suddenly crumbled into pieces. It was the first time I allowed myself to wallow in self-pity, to let my guard down, and to be weak. These were the emotions I had bottled up for a long time.
Thoughts on my head began to brew up as to what could have been or might have been if I had only said “yes” instead of “no” to his question. But I immediately ditched those thoughts because I know I can’t do anything. He’s not mine anymore. I lost him… I lost the first man I love.
No, I can’t attend his wedding. It would be damn too hard for me. I don’t think I can stand to see him at the altar with his bride who should’ve been me. But then, I realized that this is no time to become bitter. Yes, I must let him go. I have to. I have to accept that we’re not meant for each other. That we’re only destined to be just best of friends.
I lost him… I lost the first man I love, but I know I didn’t lose the friendship, or so I hoped.
Notes From The Author:
You may e-mail me with any comments about my story.
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